Welcome to ***** ******, enjoy the ******

Only today I was given a list of the things I am not allowed to say without infringing the host organisation ****^TM. Apparently, I'm not even allowed to use my own country's name and the date (year between 2009 and 2011) for fear of a ****^TM marketing policemen coming to get me.

Now, I am all for sponsors getting good worth out of the money they spend on big sporting events, the arts and even charitable events. What I am wondering, though, is this: Since when is writing my country's name next to a year "ambush marketing"?

According to a PDF downloadable from www.****.com, here are the terms I am not allowed to use:

• **** (year date) **** (organisation name) ****** (means the same as "globe") *** (as in "mug") ***** ****** (the land of my birth, at the tip end of Africa, from where the world would get an enema if required)

• 2*** F*** W**** C**

• F*** W**** C**

• W**** C**

• 2*** W**** C**

• W**** C** 2***

• (My country) 2*** or (two letter, abbreviation of said country) 2*** or ** **** (first letter starts with Zebra, second letter is first letter of the English Alphabet)

• 2*** W**** C** (I swear, it's mentioned twice just in case you didn't get it the first time)

• F******* W**** C** (F-word is that used by Americans who wear gear and play the grid-iron version)

• S***** (a variation of the F-word directly above, rhymes with "locker") W**** C**

And, just for good measure . . .

• and any similar derivations or combinations thereof

For further good measure, this note is attached:

• Please note that this is not a full list of ***'s trademarks in relation to the **** **** ***** *** ^TM. For a full list of ****'s trademarks one should seek advice from a local trademark attorney or contact the National Patent Office.

So, when dropping a note to your Facebook friends, please remember NOT to tell them you're buying tickets for the **** **** ***** *** ^TM. Blogging Mom's must please note that they are not allowed to use the term ****** ball, even if little Johnny used one to score a goal last week.

I'm not sure what advice to offer when one of the bona fide **** **** ***** *** ^TM sponsors sends e-mails for inclusion in publications, but I do know this: I have applied to the National Patent Office to OWN the almost-patented/trademarked "term", "2011". From now on, I will be suing everyone - including those looking for votes in that year - if they use MY year in any documents whatsoever.

In the meantime, I hope you're still excited about the **** **** ***** *** ^TM.